


One-Way Mirror

by thatchedrooftavern



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Author Projecting onto Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Character Study, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Jon can yearn a little, Jon is touched by the Lonely, Jonbinary rights, M/M, Set during MAG 170, as a treat, when Isn't it projecting on jonathan sims hours?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29575320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatchedrooftavern/pseuds/thatchedrooftavern
Summary: "Statement of Jonathan Sims, regarding loneliness."Jon is deeply marked by the Lonely.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	One-Way Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I don't think I've posted in like a month but I'm back and I'm hardcore projecting.
> 
> Jon's pretty lonely if you think about it. Seems like something he'd discuss while Martin was making his statement, huh?
> 
> I wanted to post this on the anniversary of Jon giving his Mr. Spider statement (Feb 18, two days after Do Anything But Pay Respects To Jurgen Leitner Day) but writing Jon Yearning took more time than I thought it would.
> 
> Title is from "Five" by Sleeping At Last. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

[ _Tape recorder clicks on_ ]

[ _The most prominent background sound in this room is a crackling fire. In the background, there are muffled voices, heard through a closed door. They sound far away._ ]

[ _Static rises as The Archivist takes a deep breath_ ]

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT):

Statement of Jonathan Sims, regarding loneliness. 

[ _The familiar phrase is spoken with hesitation and confusion; the Archivist did not realize the statement would be their own. He presses on regardless._ ]

Statement begins.

For a long time... I thought I wanted to be alone. It was- it was just easier. It was convenient. There was nobody who truly wanted to be close to me, not even as a child. It could have been losing both parents but I’ve never thought much about it beyond what it did to my grandmother. I have always believed that she saw caring for me as an obligation and not a true desire. Sure she loved me, but she didn’t want me to be there. 

When I was younger, there was a layer of dissonance between what I understood about the world and how others saw it. As a result, I saw the other children as—not necessarily less—but separate. They clearly saw me in the same light but it was okay. I didn’t need them, I was fine on my own. 

I didn’t need anyone back then. I had my books and whenever I got bored I would wander off. Those wanderings were never for the sheer adventure of it. I have never been someone to take adventures for adventure’s sake. There was a purpose. I wanted to see if I could survive on my own in small doses. I needed to know if I could be on my own. As it turns out, I can. If I need to rely solely on myself, I will survive, and that’s it. 

[ _A light “knock, knock” sounds from the door and startles The Archivist. They pause, every so briefly_ ]

The wanderings, of course, stopped after the incident with Mr. Spider. I never wanted to chance seeing that door again. 

It’s easy to isolate after a trauma like that. I had seen through to a world where something like that was possible and- and it was too much. You can’t put that on a child. [ _The Archivist inhales sharply through gritted teeth_ ] If my view of the world wasn’t different from others before, it was now. 

Of course, a lot of this is my own perception of events but it’s hard to not let that get warped over time. When your mind changes your experiences to fit the twisted perspective it’s formed for itself. 

Georgie, I think, was the first person who actually cared about me voluntarily. 

[ _The Archivist laughs lightly]_

__

She has this way of taking other people in and believing she is responsible for caring for them. If you are chosen by Georgie Barker, it is ride or die. That time she chose me. 

__

It would never have worked romantically between us. We were simultaneously the same and fundamentally different. We would forcefully collide and the shockwave would send us barreling apart again. Maybe it was just me pushing her away. Maybe I wanted to be alone. 

__

Letting go of Georgie was one of the first times that I was truly affected by someone leaving my life. It’s when I knew I could get hurt when I got close to others. And so I stopped. 

__

It’s always startling to have people care about you, at least it is for me. I’ve been told I’m “woefully oblivious” when it comes to displays of affection but, really there’s just a subconscious level on which I ignore it. As though I don’t feel I deserve it. 

__

The time in my life that spawns the most regrets is those early months in the Archives. The battles I raged to stay isolated and independent were entirely unnecessary and a complete waste of time. I pushed people away who were trying to care for me and help me, and I’m not even sure why. By the time I realized I was doing it, too many of them were gone. Anyone else there could have told you that, but I had to learn on my own. 

__

[ _with an edge of bitterness_ ] I had to learn a lot of things on my own. 

____

Learning itself was a unique experience for me and I was well acclimated to doing it on my own. I remember closing myself into that office for hours every day, barely even leaving for meals because I had to know what was happening. I had to know why. When... _Jonah_ had us listen to a recording all together before the Unknowing, it was the first time I’d heard one with someone else in the room. It felt as though the information wasn’t truly _mine_. 

____

In my isolation, it felt like I was the one putting the pieces together. I needed this mystery to be solved and I trusted no one with the task but myself. That vicious hunger for knowledge is something I still do not know if I can put to rest. So much has happened and I've tried to do so much of it alone. It is a genuine burden to know how late I was to the realization that I was just wrong. It took getting accused and hunted down for a murder I did not commit for me to realize that people cared. That I could make an impact outside of who I was. 

____

It was also with this realization that I began seeing Martin as he was. As oblivious as so many believe me to be, I could not deny that he was one who I truly wanted to let in. I remember when I confronted him about the letter and he revealed the lies he had told to get to the Institute. 

____

As deep in paranoia as I was back then, it was a genuine shock to realize that I did not want Martin to be my enemy. I wanted to trust him. I wanted him to be safe. And I did not want him to get himself blown up. 

____

The decision to leave Martin behind when we went to stop the Unknowing is one that I fight hard not to regret. To hear Jonah do that to Martin was an experience I never want to repeat. 

____

Of course, just as I wanted to step into the world, _I_ got blown up. 

____

Once again I found myself an outsider in a world that did not want me in it. Unfortunately, the feeling was not mutual. I was longingly attached to the life that had moved on without me while I was in a bloody eldritch coma. Apparently, comas can strengthen romantic attachments. I saw Martin drifting away and I wanted nothing more than to swim after him. 

____

The only solution I knew was to throw myself into my work. [ _with clear distaste_ ] Work. That’s not the word I would use for being unknowingly groomed for a world-ending ritual but it is largely what I thought I was doing. Feeding that supernatural hunger for knowledge that I Know I will never be free of. 

____

The twin longings of knowledge and what has since grown into love burned inside of me and I just did not know what to do. I definitely made some… rash decisions. 

____

Those rash decisions led me to the world we are in today. How I could Know almost anything and still jump into a coffin and look into a dark sun is beyond me. The only choice I believe, in the end, turned out to be a rational or at least good decision was to save Martin from the Lonely. I need an anchor and that’s Martin to a tee. 

____

[ _A smile is evident in The Archivist’s voice as they talk about the one they love_ ] Martin Blackwood. A man who can lie about his age, his CV, even his middle name, and no one bats an eye. Who once dumped a jar of worms on my desk and who laughed at me when I thought he was a ghost. Even when I trusted _nobody_ , Martin was there. A man who warms you from the inside out with smiles, cups of tea, and his arms wrapped around you, mere hours before the world ends. 

____

[ _The Archivist’s voice falters, and his smile drops_ ]

____

As the world Changed, I thought we were safe. I am the one who said the words that made this world what it now is. It would not dare hurt me or the one I protect. I thought we were safe in the cabin, but our fear was still being harvested. It took giving that statement to realize it but, even together, we were Lonely. What was the phrasing? [ _soft static rises as a previous statement is quoted_ ] “It is a rotten sanctuary of lonely companionship.”

____

There was a reason the beckoning lighthouse of the Lonely nearly pulled me in. I have been subjugated by it for far too long. I do not want to be lonely anymore. 

____

[ _The Archivist hesitates._ ]

____

I- I believe that to care for someone is a choice. I do. To truly care about someone you have to choose it and you have to want it. I once made an effort to ignore those wants and chose to pretend that I didn’t want to love people and be loved in return. Well, I want to choose it now. 

____

[ _The Archivist stands and knocks over a wooden chair, not caring about his effects on this room_ ] 

____

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find my boyfriend. 

____

[ _The door to this room opens, the far-off voices having faded off during The Archivist’s statement_ ]

____

Statement ends. 

____

[ _The door closes_ ]

____

[ _Tape recorder clicks off_ ]

____

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I very much appreciate comments and feedback.
> 
> As always, all the thanks to my wondrous beta, Rose. Check out their excellent Jonmartin fics @AceOfRoses


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